Funniest one-liners on the internet

Posted: 18/04/2010 in Just for fun, Philosophy
Tags: ,

* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience.
* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
* We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
* Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
* War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
* If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
* Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
* God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
* Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
* Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
* It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
* He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
* We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
* A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
* If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?


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